Ten years ago today my Dad passed away after a two year battle with cancer. I am amazed by how quickly the time has flown by. Seems like just yesterday. I was told often in those early days that it would get easier with time. I am still waiting for that to happen! Losing a parent never becomes easier, just different. I will never understand why God took my dad home when he did, but I have learned to be grateful that I had the privelage of having such a great man as my dad even for a short time. I think about my dad everyday, but today especially i celebrate the amazing man he was! He is an example to me of the kind of person I strive to be.

thankfulness

In this season of thanksgiving I have spent some time thinking about what i am most thankful for. There are many things that I can say, I have been so blessed by friends and family. I see so many people going through hard times, losing every thing they have. We struggle at times but we have what we need. As I was cleaning up the other day I was reminded again of what I am most thankful for!

The picture on the left is a picture of my tattoo. It is an ancient Egyption sign that stands for hope. It is a hieroglyph of a prisoner struggling for freedom. It is a daily reminder to me that no matter what is going on here on earth. Whether it is sickness disease finances or any of the other things that get us down, I know that there is something better waiting for me in heaven. This is such a basic simple lesson you would think I would have it down by now.

Of all the lessons I have learned over the last 3 years of our journey through having a child with cancer this I think is the greatest. It is a struggle to know that your child will most likely have a shorter life than you had thought. To know that all of the hopes and dreams that you had for them will most likely go unrealized. It is important that I remember that God has a greater purpose for her than I could have imagined and that I cannot put my hope in those things, I have to put them in him and know that he has something far greater than anything this world could ever provide.

Surgery update

It has been a week since my surgery and I am doing well. I have already lost 10 pounds, which is not suprizing since I am on a liquid diet. I spend most of my energy in the day trying to take in enough protein for my body to heal and function. This is not a high protein diet, but since I am able to take in so little I have to concentrate the calories I am able to get where they are most important.

 I realize that my decision on having gastric bypass seemed really sudden to alot of people and I am feeling bad it is not something that I discussed with only a few people.I tend to be a private person and was not sure how I felt about everyone knowing what i was going through. I began the journey of gastric bypass six months ago. When going to a normal physicians check up I was asked if gastric bypass surgery was something that i have ever considered, and my doctor suggested that Steve and I look into it. I had borderline high blood pressure, my cholesterol was borderline high. My glucose levels were much higher than they should have been. From a physical standpoint I was very unhealthy and needed something very different to happen or I was at risk for heart disease, diabetes, and a multitude of cancers. The honest truth was that when looking at the risk factors between what could happen while having this surgery and the risk factors of me walking down the street in my present health conditions, surgery had less risk.

If I were to say that the only side of this surgery that I considered was health I would be lying. I am of course excited for the shallow side of being slimmer as well. I was a large kid who grew up in a large family. I have never felt thin in my life or even average. Some of my thinner friends will never be able to understand the feeling of always feeling like you stand out like a sore thumb becuase of your size. When my daughter Ammy got sick three years ago she was paralyzed for some time, and then was only able to do things when she was an arms length away from an adult. I feel such guilt sometimes that she was not able to do things because mom was not able to keep up, or I felt like everyone was laughing at the fat girl that I did not want to do them. For example game time at Awana was just a no. I did not want the other adults to see how winded I got just going around the circle. Time spent with friends was board games because mom could not muster up the energy to run around. I promised myself that I was going to change that and not be that kind of person if God forbid she ever had to go through that again. I have tried for years to try and loose the weight and was not able to be successful.

In order to have this surgery I had to through several meetings with Dieticians, and physical therapist , and a psychologist to try and start my journey in weight loss. Gastric bypass is not a for sure weight loss gimic. I am positive that no matter what these next 6 months I will loose significant amounts of weight. The truth is though that if I do not change my habbits and my mindframe i can gain in it all right back plus some. As doctors can point out where there is obisity there is usually emotional trauma. Most of us can look back at our most significant amount of weight gain and can tie it to an emotional time in our life. Mine was when my Dad passed away and I was pregnant with my amazing little girl. I rememer this as a time of deep depression and lonelinesss. As my pounds strip away I will have to make a big effort to deal with the emotions I have been hiding through my weight.

In a month I will meet again with my physician, I will have labs done to make sure my blood work looks good, I will also meet with my dieticians and physical therapist to make sure I am continuing to do what i need to do to stay healthy. They will help me set realistic goals for myself and to do what I need to do to meet those goals. I will continue to try and update you on my post surgery fun as the months go by.

 September has been a very busy month for us! Ammy strated third grade this year. I was a bad momma and did not get any pictures this year. She is having a great time with her teacher, and I am very grateful that she has the same teacher as she did last year. The nice thing is that there is always a few months of the school year where we are struggling for the teachers to understand that Ammy does not always look as bad as she feels. Teachers also don't understand how much school ammy actually misses. It was nice to start with a teacher who knows when to push Ammy to do more and when she is having an off day!!

At the beginning of the month Steve had Gastric bypass surgery. He was not feeling so great for the first 2 weeks, but after that he was feeling much better, and had two more weeks off. We have been able to have lots of fun adventures. We took a day trip up to Silver creek falls. This is one of our favorite hiking spots and when weather is nice and the kiddo is in school, we go here weekly.

 The Children's Cancer Association sponsers many events in the area and this month we were able to take a friend of Ammy's with us to the enchanted forest. This was fun for us since we live so close to the park but have not yet had a chance to go. I was really surprised how different it is from what I remember as a kid. I don't know if they have added the rides later, or if my parents just had us hang out in the cheaper part, but it was fun to see all of the new things going on.

The picture to the left was from an inpromtu photo shoot we had while waiting for Ammy's chemo pal. They went to a the lion king 3-d while steve and had a little time to ourselves. All in all a very good month! Hopefully the next update will be sooner than a month!!

This Friday Ammy's counts were low again. Too low to start her next round of chemo therapy. This was a little disappointing since we want to be done with this chemo and each time we miss a treatment it pushes back the ending time. On the bright side Ammy's awesome ChemoPal Jessie was able to get us in to Omsi for a free day of fun thanks to the children's cancer association. Steve had never been here before so he had a fun time exploring, and I enjoyed seeing Ammy explore and learn from the same science experiments I remember from my childhood. When we were down exploring the submarine we saw the jet boat excursions and decided to extend our day with a ride. If you have never done this I highly recomend it. We had a little history of the water front from Portland all the way to the waterfalls in oregon City. It was a lot of fun. Sorry there are no pictures but since it was not planned I did not bring my camera.

This week Ammy's troop got the chance to lead the flag ceremony to open a meeting with congressmen Defazzio. They did an amazing job, especially for their first time. One of the things I love about her troop is that they are all at different levels. This does at times make it very challenging at times, but it is so rewarding to see the older girls setting an example for the younger and helping them through their work. I also love the example it sets for the younger girls and gives them lots of fun things to look forward to. Our troop has 12 girls in it so this is just the girls who are up for helping out. We had a pizza party for lunch as we practiced our ceremony and finished the day with ice cream.

July has been a busy month! We have been busy working on our girl scout patches and enjoying our summer time together. Steve has finally gotten a schedule for the time being. With his job he will work pretty steady until christmas. At that time we will go back to living day by day! This week was the first of Steve's new schedule so we were excited to take a family vacation on his two days off. So after Ammy's chemo appointment we rushed home and packed up. We headed over to Hebo lake which is right over by tillamook. The first night was fun and relaxing, but then around three in the morning the rain started. We woke up to puddles in the tent and wet beds. We braved the rain to try and build us a fire to cook some breakfast, which ended in incinerated bacon, burnt hashbrowns, and some eggs, at 12 in the afternoon! We stuck it out for a few hours hopeing that the rain would go. We even tried fishing in the rain, trying to make the best of the situation. Finally around 4 in the afternoon we gave up, packed up camp and went home. I think I spent more time packing and cleaning than I did actually camping!!

I will hopefully have an update for you next week. We have a very busy week planned with all kinds of fun things!

Just one of those days

Today was just one of those days... the kind with nothing special planned. With my husbands lack of a work schedule that is how most of our days start. There was some grocery shopping and some housework. When we did not get the call at 2 that my husband was supposed to work the usual question of what we were going to do quickly followed, as usual. Today we decided on an adventure to Detroit Lake. We did a little fishing and I caught my first fish of my adult life. Ammy caught Three with her barbie fishing pole! All together our family brought home 9 fish about 12 inches each! We then set up our bonfire and had grilled steaks corn on the cob, and some salad.

Transitioning from being a student and mom with a busy schedule to a mom with no schedule has been hard for me. Days like this that start with nothing special but turn into the kind of days i know my daughter will always remember makes it a little more tolerable. Some times not having a plan can be hard to handle, and other times it can be a little blessing waiting to surface!

Ammy's new hair do

I am so excited to tell you all about another amazing company I have learned about during our journey into the crazy world of cancer. Angel hair foundation, which works with Mirage hair systems in Eugene Oregon, is one amazing company. With Ammy's hair thinning so much we were referred to Angel hair foundation which helps patients in Oregon and Washington to recieve hair systems. Jan who is the women who helped us was incredibly sweet to Amethyst and helped us have a great expereince. Ammy's hair peice comes at a high price of $2,580. Through many people's generosity we had this donated to us. I am so thankful for all of the people that are here to help with these things. I would never be able to provide this for my little one on my own. Now not only does Ammy have a new confidence and pride in what she looks like, she is extra excited because it is "Hannah Montana" hair.

sea horses

We have had a fun week as we help Ammy prepare for her first school report. Her subject was star fish. Aside from the never ending battle between Mom insisting that they are really called sea stars because scientifically they are not fish, and Ammy insisting that her teacher calls them starfish so that is what they must be, things went really well. Ammy enjoyed using the internet to collect some basic information at home and has been reading about it like crazy at school. The final project, the diarama shown below shows both her creativity and my extreme self control as I tried very hard to let her do all of the work with just a little bit of guidance. It was very hard to let her have ownership and not fix it when she went to bed! You cannot see the bottom of the box but she covered it with Brown sugar to look like the ocean bottom. A little bit of using her resources, since mom kept forgetting to go to the store to pick up some sand.

Make a wish

Through all of the struggles we have been through in the past 3 years since Amethyst was diagnosed with her tumor I have been amazed at the kindness and generosity of strangers. There are many amazing organizations set up to help those going through hard times and they are mostly run by volunteers. Yesterday we met two more amazing ladies from the make-a-wish foundation, working hard to give Ammy a week that she will never forget.

Ammy's wish is to stay the night in the Cinderella castle in disneyland. The suite located here was made in 2007 for the year of a million dreams promotion. The suite is only used as a prize that can be given and no one is able to stay for money. The space was set aside for Walt Disney and his family to be able to stay in the park. The operators of the park feel like it would be against Disney's vision to allow anyone to stay there for a price. Although this would be a difficult wish to grant it would be truly magical if it were to happen. Hopefully we will know within the next few weeks!

If we are unable to stay in the castle there is another place set up called Give kids the world which make a wish partners with. It is super cool as well. Each family staying there are placed in two bedroom villas. It has a carousel, train station, horses, swimming pool, mini golf, as well as an ice cream parlor with all you can eat ice cream open from 7:30a.m-9:30 p.m. They celebrate Christmas every thursday complete with cariage rides, and santa clause. All make a wish kids who stay in the area are welcome to come and hang out, so even if we stay in the castle we will be able to partake in these fun things as well. I think Steve and I might be almost as excited as the kiddo!

All this should be taking place after the new year, that way Ammy can get the most out of her experience since we will be done with chemo.

This year was the best Mother's day I have had. My little one is old enough to be truly thoughtful, but still young enough where her thinking is a bit ecocentrical. This meant I got to spend the morning sharing in her favorite activities. We began by snuggling on the couch while we watched Strawberry shortcake. Then Ammy decided to make me some breakfast. Our delicious meal was made of pancakes and toast! She then gave me all of the paper flowers and cards her and her friends have been working on over the last week.

It seems like the last few weeks Ammy has been asking for more and more time together with Mom. I have loved finding the time to Just hang out. In the past I have let homework and housework interfere with the time i could spend with my girl. Through my stress management class i have really began to realize that this moment in time will never happen again. I can spend it looking at the past, worrying about the future, or i could choice to enjoy this moment and the ones i have in my life!

Amethyst turns eight

Today my sweet girl turned eight years old. Looking back on the year. I am continually amazed by this little ones amazing strength and ability to push through most anything. She has adapted well to being in a new school and has stayed healthy and strong through a year of chemotherapy. She is a very brave little girl and stronger than anyone I know. I am so proud to be your mom, and really do thank God everyday that he keeps you in my life. I love you am! Can't wait to see what wonders this next year of your life will bring us.

Mri update

I recieved a call from Ammy's Doctor a few nights ago sharing some good news. Ammy's tumor is the same size as the last measurement and appeared to possibly be a little less bulky. It is sometimes hard to rejoice with the thought of nothing changing, but we are doing our best to continue to trust that God has a plan here!

Many of you have noticed Ammy's thinning hair as you can see in my sister's amazing pictures on her blog. We have an appointment set up on the 31st of March to meet with an amazing organization that will provide her with a free wig, since she is a patient at dorenbecher. We will try and keep you posted on how that works.

It has been a little bit since I have updated I guess it is about time to share the highlights of our life!! Ammy is doing really well. She is still going through Chemo but continues to be very healthy. The only school she really misses out on is the days she has chemo. I finally got a hold of the make a wish foundation and we have started that process. They need an ok from her onchologist, who is the person who told us we should really get going with the process so i am sure she will be approved. Next job to tackle is getting her a new wig. Sadly her hair has finally hit the point where it is so thin it is looking a little patchy and really needs to be shaved. We had lots of tears talking about this reality tonight. She said that she wanted me to be the one to do it for her. We may have a video of it for you if she is ok with sharing. She wants to submit a video to the bic4good campaign to help earn money for make a wish.

Steve and I are also doing well. I am almost done with this term of school, and then have one more term until i take some time off. I am looking for a part time job to help with the income a little and get out of the house. We'll see how that works having a little one with the medical things she does. Steve is still hanging on at Winco, but it is definately a challenge. He is getting about 80 hours a month which is hard on the finances, and not having a set schedule can be really stressful for the family. He and I are also getting ready to undergo gastric bypass surgery this summer which means that we definately need him to stay at winco even if money is not so great because he gets really amazing benefits. We are praying that things will fall into place soon and we will be able to pay all of the bills!